


JaySteph and the Makeout Stakeout

by River9Noble



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Batfamily (DCU), F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Humor, Jason Todd Has Issues, JaySteph - Freeform, Minor Harlivy, Minor Tim Drake/Kon-El | Conner Kent, Queer Character, Romance, STAY Server Exchange, Stephanie Brown Is Not Here For Your Shit, Tumblr: fyeahjaysteph, wanton Shakespeare quotes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:10:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26100133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/River9Noble/pseuds/River9Noble
Summary: Written for the JaySteph Discord 2020 Birthday Exchange.Prompt - Jason and Steph are undercover together and end up making out for keeping-their-cover related reasons. Do they make excuses for it to happen again? Try to pretend it never happened? Act like total doofuses around each other until it's resolved?
Relationships: Stephanie Brown/Jason Todd
Comments: 19
Kudos: 82
Collections: Focus on Female Characters, Jason Rare Pair Challenge, Queer Characters Collection





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nokomis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nokomis/gifts), [NoVacancyMind](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoVacancyMind/gifts).



> Written for Nokomis and her fabulous prompt!

"Who the fuck is this?"

Well, shit. This wasn't off to a great start.

"It's Steph," she responded to the snarling beast on the other end of the phone.

Silence answered her.

"Stephanie Brown," she added.

Still nothing.

Glancing around campus surreptitiously, Steph covered her mouth and mumbled, "Batgirl."

A heavy sigh rich with irritation finally greeted her ears.

"I know who you are, Blondie. What the fuck do you want?" Jason Todd snapped.

Steph's patience frayed.

"Forget it," she shot right back at him. "This was a horrible idea. Terrible, even."

She had removed the phone from her ear and was about to hang up when she heard Jason yelling at her from the other end.

"Wait, wait, wait -"

"What?" she snarled with some venom of her own.

"I'm inordinately fond of horrible ideas," Jason said, sounding slightly more winsome. "I'm in."

"You don't even know what it is!" Steph huffed at him.

"Doesn't matter," Jason said peacefully. "You said it's horrible bordering on terrible. I'll do it."

* * *

Three hours later, when Jason rolled into the Batcave on his motorcycle looking sexy as fuck with his tight jeans clinging to his thick thighs and his leather jacket and day old stubble and bad boy grin of wicked intent, Steph decided that horrible was far too mild a word to sum up the atrociousness of her utterly stupid, awful, criminally insane idea.

But B was practically glowing in approval as he greeted Jason.

"Thanks for helping us out, son," he was saying to Jason as he met Steph's eyes and smirkingly pulled up his shirt, revealing his very tight, very hot abs, so that Bruce could attach the amped up microphone.

"Remember, you don't need to be close enough to overhear their actual conversation as long as you're within ten meters of your target. The microphone will pick it up and send it back here to the Batcave," the Bat was saying.

"Right, right, sure," Jason said easily, his eyes not breaking contact with Steph, who was watching the proceedings warily.

"What'sa matter, Blondie?" he asked her with a wink. "Dickie turned you down?"

"He's out of town," she sulked, making Jason frown.

"Well, I'm flattered I was your next choice," he said, trying to recover some bravado.

"You weren't," Steph said flatly. "Tim's off-world with the Teen Titans. Kon's in Hawaii. Cass is in Hong Kong. Oracle's my professor so she'd get fired, and frankly, I would have rather made out with B than you, but he's a little too recognizable."

Bruce had started coughing so loudly that it began to turn to choking at Steph's proclamation, and Jason had to admit, seeing his father's face turn purple almost made up for the fact that he was Steph's last choice for a makeout stakeout.

"I was not an option," Bruce finally managed to spit out to an innocent looking Steph who was calmly sashaying over to Jason's bike.

"Only because you're Bruce Wayne and we'd end up in the tabloids," Steph said with a sultry wink, prompting near violet hues to appear in the Bat's goggling face.

Jason snickered and swung his (gorgeous, drool worthy) leg over the bike, handing Steph a helmet before she reluctantly seated herself behind him and disdainfully wrapped her arms loosely around his waist.

"You're gonna have to hang on tighter than that, Blondie," Jason said to her, turning his head slightly back.

She tightened her hands the barest fraction of an inch and yelped when Jason tugged them firmly around his waist only to suddenly speed out of the Batcave with no warning.

And holy hell, she did need to hold on tight.

It was completely unfair that Jason's ass felt so glorious when she was crammed up against it, Steph thought, not to mention his massive tree trunks of thighs and his abs and…

This was going to get logged in the Batcomputer as The Worst Idea Ever in the History of Batpeople.

* * *

Steph would have gladly made out with Dick for the sake of the mission. Gladly.

Hell, she would date Dick, for that matter, if he'd ever show any signs of interest. Dick was sweet, lovable, kind, thoughtful, soft, but firm when needed… all the kinds of swoony qualities that made a girl daydream under the covers.

She'd been joking about Bruce, of course. He was the one person on the planet that Steph wanted to kiss even less than Jason. So much less that B ranked beneath Killer Croc on Steph's List of People She Would Kiss For A Mission. That much less.

But what B didn't know would give him a seizure, Steph thought happily. His face had been practically puce at the end, there.

Jason, though. Sure, he was hot as hell. But he was mean and sharp and cruel and vicious when he wanted to be, and then his hots became another weapon in his arsenal.

Dammit, why did it have to be Jason? Hell, she would have made out with _Clark_ over Jason, and that was just gross. She could imagine how the Boy Scout would kiss, tentative and slimy and snuffly and…

She didn't know if she hoped Jason was a good or a bad kisser, at this point. Steph only hoped that Joey Falcone's meeting with Mario Maroni was short. Hello, how are ya, badda bing, badda boom, arrivederci.

Jason parked aways off from the pier where Batman had discovered that the mob bosses were set to have their meet and greet so that he and Steph could casually stroll along the waterside like the two lovers they were supposed to be, out on a cute little date watching the tide and the sunset on a hazy Sunday evening.

"I don't think glaring at me is the look you're going for," Jason commented to Steph as he looked her over before they set off.

"Give me a reason not to," Steph snarked back without thinking.

Jason raised an eyebrow before deliberately moving into her personal space, raising his hands to softly brush them backwards over Steph's cheeks into her hair. Her eyes fluttered wide as Jason gave her a darkly sensual look before lightly sweeping his lips over hers, coming back to catch the bottom one in a nibble that made Steph open her mouth in surprise, allowing his tongue to slip in.

Jason's hand tangled a little more tightly in her hair as he deepened the kiss, but not too much, keeping it light enough that Steph found herself craving more as her hands numbly fumbled into his chest, and she was just surging forward on her toes when Jason pulled away.

"Wha -?" Steph said, looking up at him all off-kilter.

"That's better," Jason said, satisfied with himself as he assessed her once again.

"Come on, snookums," he said, lacing his fingers through hers and gently swinging their hands as he slowly led them over to the water's edge.

 _Oh, shit,_ Steph thought to herself with her heart racing and the blood pounding in her ears.

And ok, dammit, she was turned on, too.

Really, Jason Todd? _Really?_

Where the fuck had he learned to kiss like that? And why the fuck hadn't she kissed him sooner?

No - bad thought, bad - Jason was bad. Mean. Mean and nasty. To her. And the rest of the world. Occasionally. Very bad boyfriend material.

Not that he'd want to be her boyfriend ever, anyway.

Stupid mission. Stupid Batman. Stupid Jason Todd.

Who was looping a soft arm around her waist and pressing a kiss into her neck, laughing gently at her as his hands slid over her belly, caressing her in a way that promised more, even though it was a lie, but Steph was there to pretend so she gazed up into his eyes and smiled in that soft, adoring way that had driven Dean so crazy.

And Jason was kissing her again, light and happy like they were so in love that there was no rush, and as Steph tipped her head back into it she heard the sweetest sigh come out of her mouth.

Because she was a good actress too.

Uh huh.

Yep. Sure.

They casually strolled towards the pier where the meeting was to take place, and by the looks of it, Falcone was already there, puffing on a cigar and texting on his phone.

"Ooh, look at the seagulls," Steph cooed, pointing to some birds further out at sea, perched on a buoy.

She and Jason ambled down towards the end of the pier, nodding to Falcone as they passed.

"Nice night," Jason said to him with a distracted smile and his hands all over Steph, getting a grunt in response as Falcone watched them wander down to the far edge of the dock, still pointing at the seagulls and gushing over the sunset.

Jason took his camera out so they could take a selfie with the bird, and then he was putting his phone away and bending over Steph again, and they were close enough to Falcone for Bruce's mic to do its work, so all they had to do was make out until the meeting was over.

Easy, right?

Jason's breath was mingling with Steph's and she felt her heart rev up as he reached a hand up to hold her face and began kissing her again, and what started as slow, tantalizing kisses quickly started becoming heavier.

And it was strange to be doing this with Jason, but when his tongue was in her mouth Steph was finding it hard to concentrate on the oddity of the situation and its potential for future disaster.

Because Jason's tongue was stroking her in heated waves and Steph felt a small moan slip out, which embarrassed her to no end, because B was listening, fuck.

But Jason just smiled into their kiss and growled back at her and threaded his hand through the hair on the back of her head, and his other hand was skimming up her side and - oh, brushing some side boob on the way up, just the slightest tiniest bit like it was an accident, but it wasn't, she was quite sure, and Steph realized that she didn't quite know when her arms had made it around Jason's neck.

But there they were, and she was pressing herself up into their kiss, and ok, well, now she was kind of clutching at him and pressing her crotch into his and she was pretty sure that little noises had been coming out of her mouth for a few minutes, now, and she did not mind Jason's hand on her ass at. all.

When Jason broke the kiss off to draw in a ragged breath, Steph pressed her face into his neck with a little whimper and got rewarded with fingers running through her hair and soft kisses on her temples and cheeks and gentle hands running up and down her back as she shivered into him.

"Are you cold?" Jason murmured in her ear as he continued to nibble at it and Steph could have sworn that she was sweating, she felt so flushed, but now that he mentioned it, the darkening sky over the waves was a little nippy, so she nodded.

Jason slipped his jacket off and threaded her arms through it, grinning and turning the cuffs up so her hands could be free before he grabbed her waist and set her up on the top rail of the pier fence.

"Jason!" Steph squealed, forgetting B's recording for a second, as she reached for his head to steady her as she sat on her slick and windy perch, but Jason was laughing at her and pressing himself in between her legs as he held on tight to her waist and Steph couldn't help but smile fondly back at him before gripping her legs around him as tightly as if they were back on his motorcycle.

And he was smiling up at her too as she bent down and kissed him, happy and fond and lazy as her fingers twisted and tugged at his hair and he rubbed her back and the parts of her butt that he could reach, although he made sure to keep one arm tightly slung around her waist the whole time so she'd feel safe.

And when he nuzzled his face into her neck, Steph began to forget that it wasn't real, and she sighed into his hair as she pressed little kisses to the side of his face and let her thoughts drift off like the pink clouds overhead.

They both jumped when B's voice said in their ear, "You're free to go. But keep up the act until you're clear of the docks in case they're watching."

Steph glanced over Jason's shoulder and noticed the docks were empty and darkness had almost fallen.

She glanced back at Jason, half embarrassed now, not so much from the kissing but from the forgetting.

But what Jason didn't know couldn't humiliate her.

And he was still giving her a soft smile, and lifting her down from the railing and wrapping an arm around her waist before pressing a series of kisses into her neck and collarbone until she was giggling with delight as they meandered back down the pier towards his bike.

It was only when they got there that Steph felt the chill of fear run through her. This had the potential to be really awkward. Really badly awkward. Forever. If Jason wouldn't let it go, which he probably wouldn't, because he was Jason and he never let anything go.

She glanced at him as he settled himself back on the bike but he just smiled and held his hand out to help her on, so Steph wrapped herself back around him and didn't have any trouble hanging on tight this time, even though he didn't accelerate nearly as fast this time around.

* * *

She raised her eyebrows and frowned when she realized that Jason was pulling up to a beat-up rowhouse in the Narrows, leaning forward to press a thumbprint to the garage door which he coasted his bike into as it rolled up.

"Where are we?" Steph asked him.

"Safehouse," Jason shrugged. "Figured we'd get the mics off now and I can give you a ride back home so you don't have to go all the way back to the Batcave."

"Oh," Steph said in surprise. "Thanks," she said.

He nodded at her and didn't reach for her hand as he shut the rolling garage door and led her over to the door that led to the interior of the house.

Inside, Steph was surprised to see that his house looked lived in. With books - a lot of books - and some art on the walls and actual dishes in the cabinets and a coat rack - an actual fucking coat rack.

Wow, Steph thought. That was slightly impressive.

Jason peeled his shirt off his head without any warning, making Steph blink and take a step back.

He winked at her and said, "Unhook me, Blondie."

"Right," she said, moving forward to carefully peel the body tape off and gently remove B's equipment.

Jason picked it up when she was done and fiddled with it, turning the mics off.

"Your turn," he said, reaching for what she thought was her shirt before she realized he was just sliding his jacket, which she was still wearing, off of her arms.

"Um," Steph said, glancing at him a little shyly, but Jason wasn't leering or sneering and seemed to be in a fairly friendly mood, so Steph cautiously lifted the hem of her shirt and folded it up to her bra line so he could untape her mics, too.

Which he also promptly switched off as soon as they were removed.

"So," Steph said to him slowly when her shirt was back down.

"So," he said casually, setting the mics on the kitchen counter.

"I'll take you home?" he asked her and Steph didn't know why she felt like there might be more than one answer to that question, but her tongue felt like cotton balls and it was a rhetorical question, anyway, so she nodded and Jason led her back out to the garage.

He still gave her a hand onto the bike, but he didn't get off when he pulled up to her house.

"See ya around, Blondie," he said lightly.

"Yeah," Steph said. "Right. See you around," she echoed him.

"Hey, Steph," she heard him call after her when she was halfway up her walk.

She turned around.

"Would Dickie still be your first choice?" Jason grinned at her.

Steph's eyebrows went up.

"I don't know," she said thoughtfully. "He hasn't kissed me, so I don't really have a fair basis for comparison. I guess I'll have to call him for the next mission and then let you know?" Steph shrugged.

Jason's mouth fell open.

"See ya around, Jason," Steph smirked, waggling her fingers at him.

* * *

Nightwing stumbled back into his apartment in Bludhaven just before dawn, sore and tired and yawning and irritated from a Titans' mission gone sideways.

"What the hell?" he gasped as a growling, scowling Jason rose from his beat-up couch like a blanket monster.

"Do Not. Kiss. Steph," Jason roared into Dick's face, pushing his nose right up to his brother's.

"I … wasn't going to?" Dick said in confusion.

"I mean it, Dick," Jason said in a voice full of warning. "If you kiss her after this, I am gonna beat the shit out of you."

"O...kay?" Dick said slowly, giving Jason a look. "Are you two dating now?" he asked Jason in befuddlement.

"No!" Jason snapped. "But you'd better not kiss her," he glowered, before casting Dick's blanket to the floor and making a dramatic exit.

"Understood," Dick called after him, poking his head out the door into the dimly lit hallway. "You have staked your claim, oh great and mighty caveman!" he sang cheerfully.

"Shut the fuck up!" Jason yelled back at him, giving him the finger as he left.

Dick giggled to himself and went to pour a bowl of cereal. He wondered if Tim knew. Hell, he wondered if _Steph_ knew. But most of all, he wondered who he should text first with this wonderful bit of gossip that had fallen into his world-weary lap right when he needed a good pick-me-up.

* * *

"Jason, hey," Steph said a few days later when he opened his door to her. "You said you needed help with a mission?"

"Yeah," he grunted. "I figured you owed me."

"Sure," she said easily, setting her purple duffle bag down. "You didn't say if I needed the suit or not," she explained to his questioning eyebrows.

"Not," Jason said, reaching his hand out for hers. "Come on."

"Ok," Steph said, wrinkling her brow but letting him lead her to the top floor of his house.

Into his… bedroom. That was… interesting.

"So what's the mission exactly?" Steph said, turning around and frowning.

"It's another spy gig," Jason said. "Like what we did before," he said. "Figured if it worked for Pops, it would work for me."

"Ok," Steph said slowly, looking for microphones or something. "So where are we going?"

"Nowhere," Jason said calmly. "My neighbors are the target. They're smuggling… shit."

"Shit," Steph said suspiciously.

"Uh huh. Bad shit," Jason said, scratching his head before nodding seriously.

"And…?" Steph said, raising an eyebrow.

"And I was thinking," Jason said suavely, "that if they heard us having sex through the walls, they'd feel free to talk about their nefarious deeds and I could get the evidence that I needed."

Steph's mouth fell open.

"You piece. of. shit," she hissed at him.

"What?" Jason said, looking hurt, but Steph was banging down the stairs and out of his house.

"Blondie, hey! Wait!" Jason said, running after her and grabbing her arm just before she yanked his front door open.

"You think you can just mock me about what we did for B?" Steph snarled at him, tugging her arm away. "Or use it as some shitty excuse to get laid? Fuck you, Jason," she snapped, leaving him open-mouthed. "I'm not your fucking sex doll."

"Pretty sure sex dolls don't come with that kind of mouth on 'em," Jason said in awe.

"Well, you'd know better than me," Steph said coldly as she viciously forced the door open and stomped out of his house.

Damn.

That had not gone at all according to plan.

But her crack about the sex dolls was pretty funny.

* * *

"Can you believe him?" Steph shrieked to Tim and Kon over coffee.

They glanced at each other.

"He's pretty dense in the dating game," Tim said, rubbing the back of his head.

"The dating game?" Steph said, staring at Tim like he was the alien.

"Oh, yeah, he's totally into you," Kon piped up. "He broke into Dick's apartment and threatened his life if Dick so much as looked at you too intensely."

"What?" Steph gaped. "When? How do you know?"

"Dick told Damian," Tim said cheerfully. "In case he ended up dead and needed resurrecting and avenging. And Damian told Cass and Cass told B and I was listening in on their phone call so she told me, too."

"Why were you listening in on their phone call?" Steph said in alarm.

Tim gave Kon a shifty-eyed look.

"Do you _always_ listen in on B's phone calls?" Steph hissed at Tim.

"And Oracle's," Kon mumbled around his frappucino straw. "They're the most interesting."

"As evidenced by the juicy piece of blackmail which I thoughtfully overheard for you which you can now use to your advantage," Tim said, patting Steph's hand kindly.

* * *

"No," Dick said to Steph firmly. "No, no, no."

"Please, Dickiebird," she whined at him, hanging off of his arm pathetically in an attempt to cajole him to her side.

"I'll make you waffles," she pleaded.

"No!" Dick said.

"A bowl of cereal?" Steph offered.

Dick looked thoughtful for half a second before barking, "No, Steph! Jason will kill me. _Kill. Me,"_ he repeated with emphasis.

"In case you haven't noticed, Jason doesn't quite stick to the no-murder rule," Dick pointed out grumpily. "And he was not playing around the other night, Steph. I am not going to kiss you to make him jealous."

"What if it's because I like you?" Steph said seductively, sliding her hands up Dick's chest.

He backed up in alarm.

"Then I'll really end up dead," he said, pulling his phone out. "I'm gonna call Donna to come save me. Or Kor'i. Or -"

" _Roy,"_ Steph hissed in satisfaction.

"No!" Dick said in a panic. "No, Steph, no-"

"Roy, hi!" Steph said cheerfully into her phone as she waved good-bye to Dick and skipped out of his apartment to his muffled cries of protest.

* * *

"Hey, Little D," Jason said, walking into Wayne Manor on Friday evening. "You ready to tackle that essay?"

"Indeed, I am, ahki," Damian said with a guileless smile. "I fail to comprehend why the pigs' actions in _Animal Farm_ should be seen as reprehensible when viewed through the lens of humanity," he beamed, holding out his copy of the book.

"Oh, boy," Jason muttered to himself. "Well, let's sit down and go through it," he sighed.

Damian nodded and carefully led him to the front living room where his notebook and pens were spread out on the coffee table.

"But some humans _are_ more equal than others, although animals, of course, are equally worthy one to another," Damian was frowning at Jason when the doorbell rang.

"Do not trouble yourself, Master Jason," Alfred said, appearing as if by magic. "I shall get it."

"Ok," Jason said, rubbing his forehead as he searched for the words to get Damian an A. Or at least a B-.

"Master Roy, it is a pleasure to see you again," Jason heard Alfred saying.

"What the fuck?" Jason sputtered, turning to look backwards over the couch into the foyer.

"Roy? What the hell are you doing here, man?" he said, taking in his friend who was dressed up surprisingly nicely, wearing skinny slacks and a button down shirt.

"Oh! Hey, Jason," Roy said, smiling bashfully at him. "What do you think? I look ok?"

"For what?" Jason said, frowning.

"My date," Roy grinned.

"With who?" Jason said, his eyebrows going through the roof.

He glanced at Damian. Too young. He glanced at Alfred. Too old. He thought of Bruce. Too disgusting, ew. He thought of Tim. Too taken.

"Is Cass home?" Jason said in confusion, looking around the room at the trio of smiling faces.

"Roy! You're here," he heard a familiar voice call out.

Oh, hell no. No, no no no no -

"Steph! You look amazing," Roy said in awe, as Steph strutted into the foyer, trailed by a beaming Tim and Kon who were admiring their handiwork.

Roy and Jason both took in Steph's very glam updo and carefully contoured makeup job along with her lowcut bodycon purple dress and sparkling heels.

"Thanks! You look great, too," she smiled at him, leaning forward to brush a kiss over his lips.

"What the fuck?" a loud, rude voice interrupted them.

"Jason? What the hell, man?" Roy said, looking at his friend in hurt confusion.

"What the hell, yourself? What the hell are you doing taking out my girl?" Jason spluttered, getting really angry now as he stood up and climbed over the back of the sofa to Alfred's agonized moans of despair.

"I'm not your girl," Steph said, raising an eyebrow to look at Jason like he was crazy. "Why would you even think that?"

Jason's mouth opened and closed like one of Damian's pet carp. Roy was looking at Jason like he was getting good and angry, now.

"Are you seriously gonna be a dick about this?" Roy asked Jason with a slightly menacing growl in his voice that screamed alpha male throwdown. "Steph's single."

"Not for long, I think," Steph purred up to Roy, wrapping her arms around his waist and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

"Not if I have anything to say about it," Roy hummed back, bending down and planting a full kiss right onto her very willing lips.

"Ahki, no!" Jason heard from behind him as he launched himself without thinking towards Roy, only to be tackled at the last minute by a little flying bundle of destruction.

"Jason, what the fuck?" Kon gasped with wide eyes.

"Kon, maybe you'd better restrain him," Tim said worriedly to his boyfriend, although Damian appeared to have the situation well in hand, holding a knife to Jason's throat as he snapped, "Down, ahki," in the same tone of voice that he used with Titus. The dog.

"We'd better go," Steph said to Roy, looking at the gaping Jason butt-planted on the floor.

"Yeah," Roy said to her, giving Jason one last dirty look and a wide berth before sliding his hand around Steph's waist and leading her out of the mansion.

Jason let out a strangled cry.

"What was that? What is this?" he screamed.

"Steph and Roy are going on a date," Tim said, giving Jason a slow, puzzled look.

"We did her hair and makeup," Kon beamed.

* * *

Jason's inarticulate screams had finally stopped by the time Alfred managed to convince Bruce that it was enough of an emergency that he needed to come up from the Batcave.

"My sofa, sir!" Tim and Kon heard Alfred lament while they listened in to the Batcave cams on Tim's phone while giggling over cups of coffee as Jason listlessly stirred his tea.

"Son?" Bruce said heavily a few minutes later when he was prodded into the kitchen by Alfred. "What's this about Alfred's sofa?" he asked him wearily.

"I stepped on it," Jason mumbled.

"With his shoes on," Damian piped up from the kitchen table where he was futilely scribbling away at his essay without his brother's help.

"With his _shoes_ on, sir," Alfred echoed, mournfully clutching his head.

A muscle in Bruce's jaw worked.

"Tim, Kon, why don't you go help Alfred clean the sofa?" Bruce sighed.

Tim's jaw dropped at the absolute unjustness of this suggestion.

"We didn't step on it!" Tim protested.

"It'll make Alfred happy," Bruce pleaded as he shut his eyes for a brief moment.

"It was Jason's fault," Tim argued.

"Tim!" Bruce snapped. "What do you want? More make-up? Dress sewing lessons? A coffee machine in your bedroom?"

"He is not allowed to have a coffee machine in his bedroom," Damian interjected as Tim's mouth eagerly opened. "Alfred said so."

Bruce waved an irritated hand to shush Damian.

"Tim, just go help your grandfather and I'll settle up with you later," Bruce begged him.

"Ok," Tim said, his eyes suddenly glowing with glee. "C'mon, Kon," he said. "Help me decide what we want."

"I want the sewing lessons," Kon could be heard saying with enthusiasm as they left the room.

"Damian," Bruce sighed, pinching his eyebrows.

"Yes, Father?" Damian said expectantly, promptly laying his pen down and giving Bruce his full attention.

"Can you give us some privacy, please?" Bruce said.

"Certainly, Father," Damian beamed, quickly stacking up his book and supplies and trotting out of the room.

Bruce gave him a suspicious glance as he left before settling himself on an island stool next to Jason.

"Talk to me, son," Bruce rumbled. "It's not like you, of all people, to step on Alfred's furniture."

"I know," Jason said sulkily.

"So…?" Bruce prompted him.

"So, Steph is dating Roy," Jason fumed.

"And… you like her?" Bruce said, the pit of his stomach sinking.

Jason didn't answer but stared moodily into his tea, and that was answer enough.

"Have you asked her out?" Bruce said gently to his son. "Or told her how you feel?"

"Yes," Jason grumbled. "But she just got mad at me and left."

"What did you say?" Bruce said, his mental detective gears whirring, because he had been listening in on their makeout session, after all, although he wished to God he hadn't been, but in his opinion, both Steph and Jason had left the docks amenable to a date with each other.

So what had Jason …?

* * *

Four heads looked up from the living room where Kon was using his x-ray vision to ensure that all of the dirt had been removed from the sofa.

The despairing cries of self-recrimination and failure that were coming from the kitchen…

"Oh, my heavens," Alfred groaned, stripping off his white gloves and laying them neatly on the coffee table.

"Master Bruce?" the butler called as he briskly left the room.

* * *

Steph beamed at Roy as he walked her up to the front door of her house later that night.

"Thanks so much for helping me out," she grinned at him before wrapping him up in a hug.

"Anytime, princess," Roy winked at her. "As long as it involves pulling one over on Jason," he smirked.

Steph kissed him good-bye on the cheek and unlocked her front door, pausing in surprise when she stepped into the kitchen.

A huge vase of purple roses was sitting on the table with a card propped up on it that said 'Steph.'

Biting her lip, she opened the envelope and pulled out the note, a little smile tugging at the corner of her lips as she read it.

* * *

"Blondie?" she heard a much less cocky, much more nervous Jason Todd say when he picked up his phone a little later.

"Thanks for the flowers," she said softly.

"You're welcome," Jason said, swallowing hard.

"Your note was nice," Steph said as she traced circles with her finger on the tabletop while breathing in the scent of her roses.

"I meant it," Jason said humbly.

"If you're so new to dating, where'd you learn to kiss like that?" Steph asked him curiously.

"Google," Jason mumbled, making Steph laugh out loud in delight.

"You're a fast learner, I guess," she said, kicking her heels off under the table.

"I really am," Jason promised sincerely. "And I swear to God, Blondie, if you give me another chance I'll treat you right and take you out on dates and I won't pressure you for sex and I'll be so much better."

"Mm, ok," Steph said, reaching up to trace a fingerpad over a flower petal.

"Ok?" Jason said hesitantly.

"Ok, you can have one more chance," Steph said as a little smile blossomed over her lips.

"Really?" Jason asked her in disbelief. "Are you gonna keep dating Roy, too?" he asked her, suddenly anxious.

"Nope," Steph smiled to herself. "He's really not my type, it turns out."

"Why not?" Jason couldn't help but ask as a warmth slowly filled his chest.

"Well…" Steph said. "He plays too free and easy with his life."

"What?" Jason said in confusion.

"I asked him to go out with me to make you jealous and he said yes," Steph smirked into the phone. "Dick was sensible enough to turn me down cold. I don't think I can respect a man like Roy who willingly puts his life on the line like that," she mused. "Plus, well, I wasn't interested in him anyway."

"So -" Jason started to sputter, but Bruce's stinging Batlecture rang in his head and Jason bit back what he wanted so badly to say.

"Can I take you out to dinner tomorrow?" he asked instead.

"Dinner would be nice," Steph said.

"Thanks, Blondie," Jason said softly.

And he couldn't wipe the goofy grin off of his face when he got off the phone, but that didn't stop him from immediately punching in a call to Roy.

"You _fucking bastard -"_

_The End_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I SO enjoyed writing this prompt, Nokomis! I hope you like how it came out! 
> 
> Fanfiction writers are thirsty vampires and comments are our lifeblood. 🧛🩸😁  
> (But if you are mean, we will cut a bitch. Cuz we are vampires rawr 🦇)
> 
> You can follow me on Tumblr as River9Noble. Come say hi!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for NoVacancyMind, whose brilliant idea in the comments of Ch. 1 inspired me!

_Earlier that night_

"You have to be respectful, Jay," he grumbled to himself in a singsong voice.

"I _was_ being respectful," Jason muttered as he pushed his way through the overgrowth in Robinson Park. "I thought," he sulked.

"I only felt her ass up a little bit when we were making out and anyway, she liked it," Jason continued to whine in self-pity as he trudged into the rose gardens and began inspecting the blooms with his flashlight.

The bushes rustled around him but it was probably just the breeze. Or Harley's hyenas loose from the zoo again. Whatever. It wasn't like it mattered if they ate him. They'd probably be doing him a favor, what with his broken heart and all.

"Besides, I'm supposed to take _your_ advice on how to treat women, Pops?" Jason huffed as he pushed his way through yet another patch of all red roses, thankful for the long sleeves of his leather jacket which were protecting his arms from the thorns, although he wished he'd thought to bring his gloves.

"Yeah, your way will really work, old man, I'm sooooo sure," Jason snarked bitterly, swinging the flashlight to his right at a bush that looked promising, only to turn out to be some kind of weird apricot color.

There were definitely a lot of animals in Robinson Park after dark, Jason mused, because there wasn't a breeze this time and those branches were still moving.

Whatever.

Jason growled out loud in frustration as he came across his sixth pink rose bush in a row.

"Who am I kidding?" Jason groaned, dropping his flashlight dejectedly and rubbing his eyes.

"Steph's never gonna give me a second chance. She hates me. And now she's dating Roy. Face it, Jason, you fucked this one right up. Met the perfect girl and drove her off. Yep, sounds about right for Jason Peter Todd," he moaned, kicking his feet at the grass before flopping down dramatically, much to the apparent dismay of whatever animal was foraging through the bushes not ten feet away from him.

"Alone forever," Jason wailed to the overcast, light polluted night sky above him. "While my best friend steals my girl. Is there no pity sitting in the clouds that sees into the bottom of my grief?" he cried, beating his chest with loud thumps.

"That does it," he heard one singularly annoyed voice say over someone else's soft protests before the rustling came closer and then blonde pigtails were peering down at him, swaying to and fro in the gloomlight.

"Dude," Harley spat in annoyance, her halter top haphazardly hooked together and her skirt askew, "me and my girl are tryin' to have sex here and you are bein' a major buzzkill. Fuck off."

"I can't," Jason said dismally. "I'm overcome with grief."

"Give me a break," Harley said, nudging at Jason's thigh with her bare toes. "Go on. Shoo."

"No," Jason sulked. "Steph's gone. I am abused, and my relief must be to loathe myself," he complained.

"Would you quit with the fucking Shakespeare quotes?" Harley snapped in frustration. "And it's loathe _her_ , not loathe myself. Get it right if you're gonna quote the Bard."

"I don't loathe her," Jason said, blinking up at Harley somberly. "I loathe myself."

"So pick a different damn quote," Harley huffed.

"Harleyyy," Jason heard a sultry voice float through the air. "I miss you…"

"Hear that?" Harley said, putting her hands on her hips and kicking Jason in the ribs. "Get the fuck out of here, bozo."

"Is that Ivy?" Jason said, blinking eagerly as he scrambled to his feet, completely ignoring Harley's assault.

"It ain't none of your business -" Harley started to say but Jason was cupping his mouth and calling through the bushes.

"Ivy! Where are the purple roses?"

"You interrupt me having sex and think you can have my roses?" Ivy's annoyed voice responded. "Fuck off and send Harley back. Tell her I'm cold and lonely."

"Honey, we both know you're hotter than hell," Harley called back. "Cold, my ass. Ain't possible, Red."

"I _want_ your ass," Ivy sang back. "Get it over here."

"I will as soon as this Bard-murdering hack leaves," Harley said, kicking Jason hard in the shins.

"Ow!" he said. "That wasn't nice," Jason pouted.

"You misquoted Shakespeare," Harley said back. "Totally deserved."

Jason groaned even louder in frustration.

"Discomfort guides my tongue and bids me speak of nothing but despair," he whined to Harley's eye roll before turning back around.

"Ivy, where the hell are you?" Jason called as he carelessly plowed ahead through the rose bushes, prompting Ivy to shriek with fury and bounce to her feet, fully naked.

"Stop trampling on my roses!" she screamed at him. "You're breaking the branches off!"

"Oh, hey Ivy," Jason said nonchalantly, taking in the nude ecoterrorist with barely a batted eye. "I need the purple roses and then I'm gone."

"Get the fuck away from my naked girl!" Harley screamed at Jason, launching herself at his back. "Ivy, cover yourself!" Harley screeched as she banged her fists on Jason's arms.

"I don't care about Ivy's boobs," Jason said, slapping Harley's flailing hands away in irritation and trying to shake her off of his back, a feat which proved difficult as she had somehow wound her way around him like a sloth on a caffeine high, judging from her frenzied blows.

" _How dare you?"_ Harley shrieked, now enraged. "Ivy's boobs are the most perfect breasts on the planet! Apologize!" she demanded.

"No, they aren't; Steph's are," Jason scoffed at the same time that Ivy said, "No, _yours_ are, babe," fluttering her eyelashes at her girlfriend as she casually allowed a few leafy vines to wind their way around her choicest tidbits in a now feeble attempt at modesty.

Harley abruptly slid off of Jason's back.

"Hold it right there," she said. "Did you seriously just get an eyeful of Ivy's perfect C-cups and still say that this _STEPH GIRL's_ boobs are more perfect?"

"Yes," Jason growled, putting his hands on his hips. "Because Steph's are. They're amazing. Heavenly. No one else's can compare."

"Awww," Ivy and Harley said at the same time.

"That's so sweet," Harley cooed approvingly.

"No man's ever preferred another woman's breasts to mine," Ivy nodded admiringly. "You must really love her."

"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind," Harley nodded sagely. "I'll forgive you for disparaging Ivy's magnificence," she said grandly to Jason.

"Is this the girl who the purple flowers are for?" Ivy asked Jason sweetly.

"Yeah," he mumbled.

"Did you have a fight?" Harley asked. "Or break up?"

"No," Jason sulked. "I tried to ask her out and she got mad at me and now she's on a date with my ex-best friend and my dad said I should buy her flowers and apologize and see if she'll give me a second chance before things get serious with Roy but I don't even know what to apologize for, except my dad said I wasn't respectful to her, but I was," Jason grumbled.

"Tell us all about it," Ivy said, sitting down and patting the ground beside her.

"The doctor is in!" Harley beamed. "Don't spare no details. Give us the whole gory truth."

* * *

"Oh, honey," Ivy said with big eyes five minutes later.

"Dude," Harley said, staring at Jason in abject horror.

"What?" Jason huffed. "You too? Seriously? I thought that was really cute, to tie the sex in to the makeout session on the docks. Girls like cute shit, don't they? I thought she'd like that and think it was sweet."

"I'm gonna go get the purple roses," Ivy said quickly, starting to get up, but Harley snagged a hand out and grabbed her.

"Uh uh," she said. "You don't get to leave me alone with rocks for brains here."

"Since when are psychologists supposed to insult their patients?" Jason snarked at Harley.

"Since they lost their licenses and ain't gettin' paid," Harley smirked right back. "Look. Dude."

She paused, laying a delicate hand on her forehead.

"How'm I gonna say this?" she murmured to herself.

"You fucked up," Ivy supplied.

"You fucked up," Harley nodded. "Now. How many girlfriends have you had before?"

"None," Jason muttered.

"How many girls have you asked out before?" Ivy asked him.

"None," Jason grumbled.

"How many times have you gotten laid?" Harley asked him.

"None, ok!" Jason snapped at her. "None. Zero. I'm a loser with no experience, ok?"

"Hey, hey, hey, now," Harley said, suddenly serious. "No one's sayin' you're a loser. There ain't nothin' wrong with waitin' til you're ready. But you gotta take into account that just because you're suddenly ready, don't mean that she is. Ok?"

"She's had sex before," Jason said, wrinkling his brow up in confusion.

"So?" Harley said, her eyebrows going up to the sky. "That don't mean she wants to have sex with _you._ Besides, sex is a very personal thing for some people - which doesn't make them losers, either," she said, jabbing Jason in the arm. "You can't go makin' assumptions about what people want. Maybe she's gonna want to date for a long time first. You don't know."

"Besides, from what you told us, she didn't even think you liked her before your corporate espionage adventure," Ivy added. "So no wonder she felt insulted. She probably thinks you decided that she's hot 'cause you made out with her, so now you want to fuck her and that's it but you still don't like her."

"Oh," Jason said in dismay.

"Yeah. Oh," Harley snorted. "You didn't exactly say, gee, Steph, I really like you and I am so in love with you that I erroneously believe your boobs to be even more fabulous than Poison Ivy's, which are objectively the greatest tits on the planet."

"Didn't even say that," Ivy repeated sadly, shaking her head back and forth in pity, although to Jason's mind there was a smile that Ivy was fighting hard to contain as her eyes twinkled in the shadows at her girlfriend.

"Do you think the flowers will work?" Jason asked nervously.

"Purple's her favorite color?" Ivy asked him and he nodded. "Flowers are a good start, then," she said slowly.

"You need a note, too," Harley said decisively.

"I was gonna write a note," Jason said. "My dad said to apologize in it."

"And how exactly are you planning to do that?" Harley asked him skeptically. "Cuz no offense, dude, but you seem kinda clueless and are probably gonna fuck this up a second time and she don't sound like the type of girl to give you a third chance."

"How do I not fuck it up?" Jason said worriedly. "I really like her."

"You love her," Harley corrected him. "I know because it's affected your eyesight."

"Right," Jason said, side-eyeing Ivy, who was definitely giggling now.

"But don't tell her you love her yet," Harley said suddenly in concern, laying a hand on Jason's arm. "That'll freak her out and she'll think you're nuts."

"Yeah, _I'm_ nuts," Jason said very seriously, looking Harley in the eyes.

"Right," Harley nodded. "Nuts about her."

"Well, yeah," Jason sighed. "That much is true. So what do I say?" he said, pulling out the elegant Wayne-monogrammed notecard and pen that Bruce had thoughtfully provided him with.

"Be honest," Ivy advised. "That'll give her sympathy for how dumb you were."

"Yeah, brutal honesty," Harley agreed, nodding. "Lay your virginity and inexperience bare."

"Ooo, are you gonna start talking like Shakespeare now?" Ivy murmured to her, crawling over closer and wrapping her arms around Harley's neck. "Sexy."

Harley giggled and kissed her. Jason tried not to be overly fascinated by the way that Ivy's vines began to grow and wrap around Harley. His mind was definitely not going there - nope. Nope. Steph's note. That's all he was thinking about. Uh huh.

"Steph's note," Jason said loudly, clearing his throat for good measure. "Help?"

"Talk it out to us before you write it," Ivy said, looking back over at him from their organic embrace. "Then we'll go pick the flowers."

* * *

_Dear Steph,_

_I fucked up so bad and I'm so sorry. I like you so much and I thought I was being cute and sweet the other day but apparently I'm just an idiot. I've never dated anyone before - hell, I've never even asked anyone out or had sex before - I guess I just figured sex was what people who were dating did right away these days? I mean Bruce doesn't even date the people he fucks but he says he's not a good example, which to be fair, ok, I should have maybe figured out by now that I should do the exact opposite of what Bruce does in every area of my life, but, like - I kind of missed most of high school ('cause I was dead) and then everything was weird and I didn't really know how to do social things right when I came back to Gotham so I just didn't do them at all._

_Because, like, who's gonna want to date Red Hood anyway? It wasn't like I could have a real girlfriend doing what I do._

_So I thought._

_But then we hung out and made out and I liked you so much and I had to go and fuck it up instead of just telling you that I'm crazy about you and I'd love to date you even though I don't have a clue what the fuck I'm doing._

_But if you would please, please give me one more chance, I swear I'll get it right and I'll take you on dates and get to know you better - which I wanted to do before, but I see now you couldn't have known that when I was jumping straight to sex - and we don't even have to have sex at all, at least not until you're ready and you want to, I just want to date you and be your boyfriend if you'll let me. I think you're amazing, Stephanie Brown._

_And you looked hot as hell tonight. But I still liked how you looked best when you were wearing my jacket down at the docks._

_I'm sorry I tried to kill Roy. I'll try really hard to let him live if you decide to keep dating him instead of me; I'll even get Damian to supervise me around him, that's how sorry I am. I hope you can forgive me._

_Please could I try again with you? For real, this time? I swear I won't fuck up so bad anymore. And when I do mess up, I'll fix it. I promise._

_Plus I met a really great psychologist in the park tonight who will tell me how many rocks I have in my brain and what to do about it so you don't hate me, and she even does couples' counseling if we ever decide we need it._

_And her girlfriend is gonna teach me how to grow purple roses in a pot on my roof so I can always have them to give to you. Not just for apologies, but she said I'd probably need to apologize to you a lot in the future if you let me date you so it would be a good idea to have them on hand. I hope she's wrong, though, and I only give them to you for good reasons, but, well, just in case, now I'll be prepared._

_Love,_

_Jason._

* * *

"You think she'll give him another shot?" Harley asked Ivy later, when they were finally alone again and had made it to their afterglow.

"I think so," Ivy said with sleepy satisfaction. "He didn't even like my boobs."

"He did not," Harley agreed. "But you wouldn't let him put that in the note."

"A man who prefers his girl's boobs to mine doesn't need to come right out and say so," Ivy said wisely. "That level of devotion shines through all his words."

"Now who's Shakespeare, you sexy thing?" Harley beamed at her.

_The End (Almost)_

* * *

_**Epilogue** _

* * *

_Last week_

"Ciao, bella," Joey Falcone said to his wife when he came home, handing her the huge bouquet of flowers before pulling her into a sultry kiss.

"What's all this, Joey?" Carlotta said when he got handsy instead of letting her go.

"Ti amo," he murmured against her lips as he palmed her curves.

"I love you, too, amore mio," she said, squealing in surprise when Joey's hand made its way under her skirt to pinch her cotton-panty covered behind. "What's got you so frisky?" she said, leaning in to give him another kiss.

"Ehhh, I saw these kids down at the docks tonight so in love," he said, bending down to kiss her neck. "Reminded me of how we used to be thirty years ago," he said as he nuzzled her. "So wrapped up in each other we didn't even notice the rest of the world."

"Turn the stove off," Joey said as Carlotta hummed in delight. "Let me remind you, too."

"Joey, it'll ruin the eggplant!" his wife fussed at him.

"So let it ruin the eggplant," he said as he kissed her with the fiery passion of a much younger man.

Carlotta decided they could order in for once.

Her eggplant would have been much better than Luigi's, but, well, it was worth it. She hoped those two kids would be as happy after thirty years as she and her Joey were.

_The Real End!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and thanks to NoVacancyMind for a great prompt idea!! 
> 
> If you'd like to join us on the JaySteph Discord Server, it's called STAY (for Steph and Jay) and you can request a link to join on Tumblr via @dn-ky who is the mod.
> 
> Also check out @fyeahjaysteph on Tumblr for fic recs, fanart, monthly challenges, and incorrect quotes. We love our JaySteph and hope you will, too!
> 
> Fanfiction writers are thirsty vampires and comments are our lifeblood. 🧛🩸😁  
> (But if you are mean, we will cut a bitch. Cuz we are vampires rawr 🦇)
> 
> I have tons more JaySteph fics; I hope you’ll check them out ❤️💜
> 
> You can follow me on Tumblr as River9Noble. Come say hi!


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